Author: Amy De Wet

“I haven’t done enough.” Have you had this thought float through your head? Was it followed by, “I’m not good enough”? 

If your answer is yes then you may feel this way about many different tasks and situations you encounter. This can be exhausting and demoralizing, making you feel worse about yourself. The good news is this doesn’t have to continue, it is possible to shift these thought patterns and feelings through understanding them and working with empathy and self-compassion.

This article will help you understand where these feelings of achievement-based self-worth may be rooted and offer you some guidance on how to start the journey to shift this deep-seated self-belief. Remember that you may need support and assistance on this journey. This can come in the form of family, friends, and professionals.

Where Does This Come From?

One of the key elements to understand is that this mindset and self-belief has not developed overnight, there is often a history of experiences where you have perceived that you have not been good enough, or only been good enough when you attained achievement success. This perception has been internalized and pulled into your self-concept.

Your Self-Concept

Your self-concept starts to develop when you are an infant. Think of moments like gazing into your primary caregiver’s eyes, exploring your environment through touch, crawling and orienting yourself within a changing environment, and babbling to communicate in speech. These moments are all part of creating your self-concept.

This is how you think about yourself, some of the core identity beliefs. As you grow these beliefs can shift and change, either helpfully or unhelpfully, depending on your experiences. There are a variety of self-concept theories, but what they all have in common is that your self-concept is fluid. It shifts and changes across your lifespan. However, sometimes some beliefs remain throughout, one of these beliefs can be that you are not good enough, or that your worth is directly linked to what you can do or the success you achieve.

If this belief is securely situated in your self-concept, it can affect every part of your life. Having this belief as a way of identifying yourself suggests that nothing you do will ever be good enough unless you are consistently achieving a high standard in everything that you do, which can become overwhelming and unsustainable. You also begin to interpret feedback responses both from others and yourself as negative responses, strengthening the negative self-belief. 

What Can I Do About My Achievement-Based Self Concept?

The fact that the self-concept is fluid is a benefit because you can begin the journey of reshuffling some of these self-beliefs into more helpful ones – ones that build you up and recognize your efforts realistically. You can try these exercises to help you start this process. Remember that these exercises are there to support the fact that you can and that you are worthwhile without your achievements – just you as a person. When you work with these exercises you work without judgment, and begin to learn that ‘good enough’ is valuable and worthwhile.

Starting Small

Whatever you attempt, remember you can only do it one step at a time. This is true with this journey too. You are going to begin with small steps – they may feel like they are not going to help or that in the beginning, they aren’t helping at all. 

It is a helpful idea to maintain these small steps – even if they feel like they aren’t helping. Over time they build up and have a profound effect. You are working to shift a core belief, entrenched in years of internalized reinforcement. This change will not happen overnight. 

When you begin this work, whether on your own or with a professional therapist, you will see that it is impossible to shift this belief by working with it directly at first. Rather, you need to build up to it, think of it as a journey – one that is made up of many little steps – to get you to your destination.

Using Affirmations

One of the small steps you can engage with is using positive affirmations. The beauty of positive affirmations is that you do not have to fully believe them at first, you can use them and develop the engagement with the affirmation over time. This is one of those small steps.

Think of three affirmations. These affirmations are positive in nature and are directed toward yourself.

• One affirmation to describe your worth (that is not linked to an achievement), to use when you get up in the morning. For example, ‘I am good enough’, or ‘I am growing.’
• One affirmation to use after you complete a task. For example, ‘My work is acceptable’, or ‘I have tried my best with this task.’
• One affirmation to use when you are feeling not good enough. For example, ‘I am worth it’, or ‘I am allowed to feel without judgment.’

You can use these affirmations as many times a day as you need to. Simply repeating them to yourself with confidence and no judgment can begin to create new belief systems in your mind.

An Outline Of Me

Another step you could take is creating an ‘outline of me’. This is an exercise of self-reflection in a kind manner. The exercise aims to focus on the positive qualities that you have.

• Sit down for 15 minutes in a quiet space that allows you to reflect without being disturbed. You may wish to play your favorite music, or light some incense, anything to help you feel calm and relaxed.
• Start by drawing an outline of your hand.
• This is your hand, it is unique, just like you. You are going to write positive qualities about yourself in this outline.
• You can write as many qualities as you can think of – even if they seem small – they are important.
• Try to focus on qualities that are not related to your achievements. For example, focus on qualities such as ‘kind’, ‘creative’, or ‘adventurous’ rather than qualities such as ‘hard-working’, ‘successful’, or ‘productive’.
• Once your 15 minutes are up you can choose to either continue with the exercise or keep the page and return to it another time to continue to add these traits as you think of them.

Coming Together

Shifting your self-belief regarding how much you are worth beyond your achievements is a process. However, it is possible and the effort that you put into this journey is worth it. Quite simply, because you are worth it.

 

“Where to next?” If this phrase is familiar to you, you may be basing your value on what you achieve or succeed in. This seems to be fairly common in modern society, where utmost importance is placed on a person’s achievements to determine their worth. There may be a certain simple logic to this, there is a clear measuring stick as to whether you have achieved something or not – however – this is far too simplistic and short-sighted to fully encompass a human being’s value and self-worth.

 

Unbound By Merit offers you the support you need as you explore and nurture your intrinsic value.

What Is Self-Worth?

Self-worth is closely linked to our self-concept – how we see ourselves. Self-worth looks at our view of our capabilities and value, allowing us to receive respect, acceptance, and belonging. The key element of self-worth is that this respect, acceptance, and belonging is not given to us by others, it is given to us by ourselves. Self-worth is the epitome of self-love.

 

We allow ourselves to recognize the intrinsic value of our worth every day. Sometimes this becomes caught up with what we are achieving. While in moderation this is not concerning, it can become all-consuming, where we only base our self-worth on our achievements.

 

Achievement-based self-worth becomes taxing and overwhelming. Imagine you get home from work, and you are feeling low and frustrated. You have worked overtime for the past six months to get a promotion, and today you found out it went to someone else. Feeling that you have no value, you walk past your young child whose eyes light up simply because you are there. 

 

In this example, you feel like you have no value because you haven’t reached the achievement you wanted, but your mere presence sends peace and happiness into your child’s experience. Isn’t that valuable too?

 

How Does This Achievement-Based Self-Worth Develop?

 

Achievement-based self-worth can develop in a variety of manners. One of the core elements are self-beliefs and self-thoughts. These two elements often shape a lot of the internal frameworks within which we work as individuals.

 

These beliefs and thoughts are often created from experiences, relationships, and feedback we receive from others, particularly during childhood. This is often why it is so difficult to shift this framework and see our value beyond our achievements. 

 

Imagine that you needed to maintain your parent’s attention, that you strived to have them recognize your value. However, you noticed that you received the best response from them when you did something well – when you achieved something. This experience created the belief that your value only existed when you were successful, and this was cemented each time you received praise for an achievement throughout your lifetime.

 

This does not mean you should not aim to achieve things you hope for, or that you should not receive praise and recognition for your achievements. What it does mean, is that your self-worth does not need to be solely based on your achievements or successes – it means that there is so much more to you that is valid, valuable, and that should be celebrated.

 

How Do I Separate My Self-Worth From My Achievements?

Separating your self-worth from your achievements is a difficult process. Mainly because these beliefs have been ingrained in the mind for so long, it is a process of working with yourself compassionately and patiently that will allow you to explore these beliefs and slowly shift them.

 

There are a variety of tools that you can use on this journey, tools that are there to support you. We at Unbound By Merit have created a collection of easy-to-use tools to help you shift these core beliefs. By practicing these tools, you can explore why your current self-worth is based on your achievements and how to gently challenge these reasons. Remember that this is a difficult process that takes bravery and needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. A good way of doing this is to have self-compassion as you go.

 

A Journal As A Tool

Journalling is one of the best tools that can help you start to change your achievement-based belief because a journal is meant for you and you alone. It offers a safe haven to share and explore your thoughts and feelings about your self-worth and how it relates to your achievements. You are allowed to express what you need to, in the way that you need to.

 

Sometimes it is easier to start working with your journal by using prompts. Unbound By Merit offers some journal prompts to help you get started. These prompts have been designed to help you reflect on your value in areas that are not achievement-related. Working through these prompts can provide new perspectives on acceptance, gratitude, social interactions, and mindfulness and how they help to build your self-worth helpfully and sustainably.

Taking Your Belief To The Extreme

Have you ever thought of something so absurd that it just couldn’t be true? Sometimes when we look at our core beliefs around our self-worth in this manner we begin to see that they are not completely true. We begin to learn that there are other ways to view a situation or thought.

 

Taking your belief to the extreme is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique that helps you face a belief and begin to see where it becomes irrational and unachievable, allowing you to see the unnecessary pressure you are placing upon yourself. This new perspective helps you to shift your beliefs and behaviors and develop your self-worth from elements that are not achievement-based.

 

Imagine that you have the belief that you have to get recognition for any achievement to be relevant. When you take the belief to the extreme you could say that your achievement of brushing your teeth is invalid unless you receive validation from someone that you have indeed brushed your teeth. The absurdity of this realization could help you adjust your belief that all achievements need external validation. 

 

These explorations are not meant to make you feel foolish or upset with yourself. Rather, the exploration is a new opportunity for growth and learning. Unbound By Merit offers you a deeper look at taking your belief to the extreme. Working with this tool is a helpful way to begin your exploration.

 

Coming To A Close

Self-worth and self-value are more complex concepts than one first thinks. They are created right from childhood and are cemented into our internal framework through our lived experiences. Currently, you may be experiencing self-worth that is solely linked to your achievements, and this is causing you distress.

 

There are tools and guidance that can support you on a journey to help shift this view and help you recognize your value beyond your achievements – because you are valuable. Check out some of our tools at Unbound By Merit to help you along this journey.