Why Am I So Hard On Myself
How often do you look at your list of goals and say to yourself, ‘I have to get these done at all costs’? Suddenly, you get a burst of energy to get it all done. But, often, this energy wears off before we accomplish our goals, and we end up feeling like failures for not getting things done. Because you have promised yourself that you will get it done, you want to. Unfortunately, in some cases, this results in us being hard on ourselves.
What Does Being Hard On Yourself Look Like
Being hard on oneself means something different for every person. I define it as enduring discomfort for the sake of accomplishing goals. To some, it means depriving themselves of pleasure unless they have achieved what they hope to; to others, it means limiting time spent on social interactions, and for others, it means working only on those goals until they are accomplished.
I have come across several instances where people deprive themselves of eating food because they want to lose weight. When I was in college, I spent some nights working away in the library because I desperately wanted to pass. Some people push themselves to exercise way beyond what their bodies are capable of because they believe that these extremes are what they need in order for them to reach their goals. These are just a few instances. All these examples differ for each person and come in different intensities. We all know how we are hard on ourselves.
In an attempt to understand this trait, which most of us relate to when it comes to our journey of pursuing our goals, it is essential that we know the why.
Reasons Why You Are So Hard On Yourself
You attach your value to your successes or achievements.
When asked to describe themselves, most people start with their names, followed by their achievements. These can be career-related or other general accomplishments. Obviously, these are great, but should they be the ultimate predictor of our identity, value, and position in society?
Our jobs and the targets we meet are minor aspects of who we are in general. We are whole beings who are made up of a million little pieces which are all equally important. Unfortunately, most of us are raised in an environment where our value is attached to our successes and achievements. In a room with people who are more accomplished than you, you don’t have a voice. So, in a quest to be respected and have your opinions considered, you do anything in your power to achieve success even if it means being hard on yourself.
Perfectionism
Is anything worth it if it’s not perfect? That’s the voice that echoes in a lot of people’s heads throughout the day. We believe that if we are doing something, it has to be perfect otherwise, what is the point? We will erase and start over until we achieve perfection.
As I write this, I remember what happened to me yesterday when I was at work. I had to run some errands for work, so I used the company car, which is probably double the size of my car. Once done, I had to park the car and the only spot available meant I had to parallel park. This is where the fun began. The spot was quite small, and it took me about 15 minutes to park this car to perfection. I refused to leave the car skewed although it was in the demarcations, even if it meant I had to waste 15 minutes that I could have used to get some work done. I strived for perfection and didn’t stop until I got it.
Now, this is just one small example of the things that happen in our day-to-day lives. We refuse to move from a task until it’s perfect, even when the first attempt could have worked just fine. The widespread use of social media doesn’t do us any good, as the gospel of perfection is also widely preached.
Inner self-critic and low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can result in a never-ending cycle of setting unrealistic goals, being hard on ourselves, failing to accomplish the goals, diminished self-esteem and back again at setting unrealistic goals. We become overly critical of ourselves and believe that the only way we can improve our image is by accomplishing certain things.
Consequently, we are constantly chasing goals and pushing ourselves harder each time. This is not sustainable, and in the long run, we end up with strong resentment towards ourselves and the people around us who we believe are the reason why we are chasing these goals.
Ways To Overcome Being Hard On Yourself
Understand your intrinsic value.
We all have some value despite our accomplishments. As people, we deserve to be loved and respected just for being. We have other traits, such as kindness, empathy, and compassion that warrant us the title of good people and contribute to our value.
Find evidence that shows that you are valued.
There are people who have valued you and respected you despite your successes, achievements, or failures. Think of your friends who stood by you even when you had nothing, your family who loved and valued you before you started attaching your value to your accomplishments. Focus on those relationships and let them help you understand that you are worthy of being loved. Your achievements are just a cherry on top, and you don’t have to be hard on yourself to get them just so you can increase your value.
Ditch the perfectionism.
When you are working on your goals, read out to yourself what you want the end product to be like. Evaluate and see if the finer details you want are important and if they influence the quality of the goal. In most cases, you will realize that the fine details you want to focus on to achieve perfection do not really impact the outcome. In those cases, avoid focusing on perfection and understand that things don’t have to be perfect in order for them to be good.
Self-affirmations
These are some of my favorite ways to change my perspective. I say them to myself in the mirror every morning, and it helps me alter my perspective and remember my worth. When new to self-affirmations, you might need help figuring out where to start, but some online resources can help you get the hang of positive affirmations.
You Don’t Have To Be Hard On Yourself
This is easier said than done, but the best we can do is try. Every day is a chance for us to remember that our goals and successes are important, but they do not determine our value. We are more than our successes, and we deserve to be treated well for simply being who we are.
Remember to be kind to yourself as you work on accomplishing your goals.