Almost everyone encounters settings or people who have high expectations of us, especially expectations of our ability to achieve. Work, schools, partners, bosses, friends. Our society puts a large focus on the outcomes we are able to produce or provide. Like wanting to get an A over a B in math class. Both are good grades, but we push for more. And sometimes we may even begin to think of our successes as the thing that validates our lives. When our self-worth is dependent on our achievements we can experience some difficulties, like never feeling you earned the right to relax.

You may be thinking, “I’m supposed to want to succeed, aren’t I?” Of course! Setting goals and striving to achieve them is a good thing. So then you may ask, “When does it become a problem?” Here’s some examples:

You feel compelled to put in more and more effort, but it’s never enough.

It’s pretty common to feel like a hamster on a wheel in life. Meeting a work deadline, getting a better physique, needing the house to be cleaner, needing more likes on social media. And those of us whose worth is tied to our achievement we are in a never-ending sprint. We feel compelled to do more, like working longer hours if a work project is more demanding or even taking phone calls on a vacation. Some people may suffer from insomnia thinking about all the things they have to do.

You think your failures are because there’s something wrong with you.

Often, when performance is tied to our self-esteem we have a strong drive to prove ourselves. For some, proving they can do something is why they chose their hobbies, a challenging job, or their whole career path. We get very comfortable being praised for our achievements and feeling that momentary pride when things go well. We enjoy that comfortable pat on the back by our bosses or the likes we get on social media. But, not meeting our expectations can stir up feelings of inadequacy or rejection because we cannot receive this success-based validation. And we are bound to fail because it’s human to have flaws or make mistakes.

Your achievements have become the center of your life.

If you find yourself focused on your success then you may find your personal life is centered around the things you do. Your coworkers may be your close friends, in conversations you may talk about accolades, you may even find yourself surrounded with people with the same achievement-based identity. Which can be bad if it interferes with other fulfilling parts of life. For example, you may not make plans just in case work needs you. This leaves little room for romantic relationships, friendships, hobbies, or even relaxation, as you curated your life without these topics in mind. Even sleep, fitness, or self-care may be deprioritized if it doesn’t fit in the plan for success.

Some things you should look out for:

1. You feel like you’re always working or planning .
2. You have a hard time relaxing.
3. You feel burnt-out, stressed, or anxious.
4. You feel compelled to impress others.
5. You prioritize success rather than things you’d want to do or would make you happy.

Challenging a deep-seated achievement belief & enjoying life

One of the most important, yet most challenging, steps is accepting that we have inherent value beyond our achievements. When people start to believe in their value beyond what they do or who approves of them, they often find more joy and fulfillment in life. Your belief about needing to succeed may have developed in early childhood. It could have been because of a parent with high standards or just because you liked the attention you got when you succeeded. That said, it’s possible to change this deep-seated belief but it may take time and practice. You have been practicing your achievement-based self-esteem for decades so it’s not likely to change overnight. You know by now it’s not fulfilling to be a slave to success. That next achievement won’t make you happy for long, so it’s worth the investment to work on changing this belief. If you’re thinking, “Where should I start?” Try these techniques:

Practice Self-Compassion

By comparing ourselves to others, being critical of ourselves for our failures, or just looking for external validation we are giving others the power to define us. For example, if you are working out at the gym you may look at the guy next you and think, “I wish I looked like that guy,” and then you may consider adding another hour into your gym routine. But that self-critical voice is hyper focused on success or improvement that there is no room to appreciate ourselves. Starting to be compassionate to yourself may be as simple as thinking, “Would I talk to my loved ones so critically?” If we can accept the imperfections and give grace to those we care about, we should try doing the same for ourselves.

Celebrate your traits and virtues

Something a lot of us do when we are hyper-focused on success is ignore other important aspects of ourselves. Taking a few minutes to think about how you would define yourself if you needed to separate you from your achievements. Some people may celebrate being kind, being creative, or having a sense of humor. Others may celebrate things that have happened, like how they enjoyed their time talking to a new person.

Express Gratitude

While focused on the grind or the hustle we may take things for granted. Taking a second to take in the feeling of sun on your skin, or the laugh you had when talking to your friend. Even old accomplishments get overshadowed by what’s next and then what’s after that. Consider something you were proud of that you no longer find “impressive,” like applying for your first job, or going on a date recently.

Practice self-care

When some think of “self-care,” they think of spa days, facials, or lavender soaps. And while these can be helpful for some, real “self-care” is rooted in how YOU wish to care for yourself. Exploring the things that you find enjoyable and new things you might like is a good place to start. What would you choose to do today if you didn’t consider any of your goals? Here are some suggestions!

You have a right to rest. Remind yourself of that often. And in moments when you prioritize yourself, take pride.

 

Do you ever feel your worth is directly tied to your achievements? Do you feel invaluable even when you check every task off your to-do list or hit significant career milestones? Measuring your value by what you do rather than who you are is effortless in a society that celebrates accomplishments. Promotions, degrees, and accolades may provide a temporary sense of worth. But what happens when life doesn’t go according to your well-designed plans?

 

You’re not alone if you’ve ever felt uneasy about slowing down or questioned your value during life’s quieter moments. Many people struggle with the belief that their worth depends on what they accomplish. 

What Does It Mean to Value Yourself Beyond Your Achievements?

While it’s natural to be proud of your accomplishments, problems arise when your self-worth depends on them. This mindset suggests that you aren’t valuable without external markers of success—a belief that leads to burnout, anxiety, and a constant need to achieve more. Here are some signs that your value might be too closely tied to your achievements.

 

1. You struggle with rest or downtime. When you take a break, you feel restless or guilty, as if being unproductive means being unworthy.
2. Your mood depends on success. You feel great when you hit a goal but experience intense disappointment or shame when things don’t go as planned.
3. You avoid vulnerability. You may resist sharing your struggles or imperfections, fearing they will make you seem less capable.
4. Perfectionism takes over. You set unrealistic standards for yourself and feel like anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.
5. You fear being “average.” The idea of not standing out or excelling feels very uncomfortable, making you constantly push yourself to the next achievement.

If these statements resonate with you, your sense of worth may be entangled with your accomplishments.

The Roots of Achievement-Based Self-Worth

The belief that your value is based on what you achieve often begins in childhood. If love or praise was offered primarily for accomplishments, you may have learned that being “valuable” was conditional. Even well-meaning parents, coaches, and teachers who emphasized performance might have unintentionally sent the message that your value lies in what you do, not who you are. 

 

As adults, societal pressures reinforce this mindset. Success is glamorized, while failure is hidden from view. In work environments that reward perfection and productivity, it feels like there’s no room to slow down or be less than excellent. 

 

Over time, the fear of not achieving creates a relentless cycle. Achievements temporarily boost self-worth, but they never feel like enough, leaving you chasing goals, hoping the next one will finally bring lasting value.

Untangle Self-Worth From Achievements

 

Shifting to a mindset where your value is inherent, not earned, takes practice, but it’s worth the effort. Below are tools and strategies to help you cultivate a more profound sense of value beyond what you accomplish.

 

1. Practice Self-Worth Statements. When your value is tied to achievements, it’s easy to forget you are enough just as you are. Practicing self-worth statements means intentionally reminding yourself of your intrinsic value. Start by writing affirmations like “I am valuable for who I am, not what I achieve” or “I am worthy even when I rest.” Repeat these statements daily, especially when you feel pressured to perform.
2. Engage in Playful Exploration. Play is often the first thing to disappear when life feels dominated by achievements. Engaging in playful exploration, trying new hobbies, creative activities, or fun experiences without focusing on outcomes reconnects you to curiosity and joy. The goal isn’t to be good at it but to enjoy the process.
3. Develop a Self-Validation Practice. Learning to validate yourself can be transformative if you are used to seeking external validation. Self-validation means acknowledging your feelings, efforts, and progress, even if others don’t. At the end of each day, reflect on something you did well or a challenge you faced and give yourself credit for it. For tips on how to build this habit, check out this tool.
4. Engage in Radical Rest. Intentional rest feels radical in a world that equates productivity with value. Radical rest isn’t just about physical recovery; it’s about allowing yourself to stop striving and enjoy stillness without guilt. Schedule downtime each day or practice brief daily moments of rest, like sipping tea and breathing deeply without distractions.
5. Build Connection Without Comparison. When achievement shapes your identity, relationships become spaces for competition instead of vulnerability and intimacy. Focus on building meaningful connections by authentically engaging with others. Celebrate others’ successes without comparing them to your own. Seek out people who value you for who you are, not what you do.
6. Practice Gratitude for Being You. Often, gratitude is focused on achievements or productivity. Instead, recognize and appreciate aspects of who you are. For instance, be grateful for qualities like resilience, strength, or kindness. This reinforces that your value lies in who you are, not your achievements.
7. Create Meaning Through Presence. Living in alignment with your values means finding meaning in everyday experiences rather than striving for success. Practice being fully present with yourself and others, whether in conversation, nature, or solitude. The goal is to find fulfillment in simply being rather than measuring your worth through performance. 
8. Set Boundaries Around Achievement. When your value is tied to achievement, saying “yes” to every request, project, or opportunity is appealing. Practice saying “no” without guilt, recognizing that your value isn’t defined by how much you do for others. Create boundaries around work- or goal-oriented activities to ensure you have space for rest, play, and personal fulfillment. Balance reinforces the idea that you are valuable even when you are not “doing.”   

Conclusion

It’s easy to believe that your value lies in what you achieve, especially in a world that celebrates productivity and success. But the truth is, your value isn’t something you earn—it’s something you already have simply by being you. 

 

You can shift your mindset and see yourself as valuable beyond your achievements. It takes time and effort, but with the right tools and resources, you can create where your worth isn’t dependent on external success. You are enough, exactly as you are, and your value will never be defined by what you achieve.

“I haven’t done enough.” Have you had this thought float through your head? Was it followed by, “I’m not good enough”? 

If your answer is yes then you may feel this way about many different tasks and situations you encounter. This can be exhausting and demoralizing, making you feel worse about yourself. The good news is this doesn’t have to continue, it is possible to shift these thought patterns and feelings through understanding them and working with empathy and self-compassion.

This article will help you understand where these feelings of achievement-based self-worth may be rooted and offer you some guidance on how to start the journey to shift this deep-seated self-belief. Remember that you may need support and assistance on this journey. This can come in the form of family, friends, and professionals.

Where Does This Come From?

One of the key elements to understand is that this mindset and self-belief has not developed overnight, there is often a history of experiences where you have perceived that you have not been good enough, or only been good enough when you attained achievement success. This perception has been internalized and pulled into your self-concept.

Your Self-Concept

Your self-concept starts to develop when you are an infant. Think of moments like gazing into your primary caregiver’s eyes, exploring your environment through touch, crawling and orienting yourself within a changing environment, and babbling to communicate in speech. These moments are all part of creating your self-concept.

This is how you think about yourself, some of the core identity beliefs. As you grow these beliefs can shift and change, either helpfully or unhelpfully, depending on your experiences. There are a variety of self-concept theories, but what they all have in common is that your self-concept is fluid. It shifts and changes across your lifespan. However, sometimes some beliefs remain throughout, one of these beliefs can be that you are not good enough, or that your worth is directly linked to what you can do or the success you achieve.

If this belief is securely situated in your self-concept, it can affect every part of your life. Having this belief as a way of identifying yourself suggests that nothing you do will ever be good enough unless you are consistently achieving a high standard in everything that you do, which can become overwhelming and unsustainable. You also begin to interpret feedback responses both from others and yourself as negative responses, strengthening the negative self-belief. 

What Can I Do About My Achievement-Based Self Concept?

The fact that the self-concept is fluid is a benefit because you can begin the journey of reshuffling some of these self-beliefs into more helpful ones – ones that build you up and recognize your efforts realistically. You can try these exercises to help you start this process. Remember that these exercises are there to support the fact that you can and that you are worthwhile without your achievements – just you as a person. When you work with these exercises you work without judgment, and begin to learn that ‘good enough’ is valuable and worthwhile.

Starting Small

Whatever you attempt, remember you can only do it one step at a time. This is true with this journey too. You are going to begin with small steps – they may feel like they are not going to help or that in the beginning, they aren’t helping at all. 

It is a helpful idea to maintain these small steps – even if they feel like they aren’t helping. Over time they build up and have a profound effect. You are working to shift a core belief, entrenched in years of internalized reinforcement. This change will not happen overnight. 

When you begin this work, whether on your own or with a professional therapist, you will see that it is impossible to shift this belief by working with it directly at first. Rather, you need to build up to it, think of it as a journey – one that is made up of many little steps – to get you to your destination.

Using Affirmations

One of the small steps you can engage with is using positive affirmations. The beauty of positive affirmations is that you do not have to fully believe them at first, you can use them and develop the engagement with the affirmation over time. This is one of those small steps.

Think of three affirmations. These affirmations are positive in nature and are directed toward yourself.

• One affirmation to describe your worth (that is not linked to an achievement), to use when you get up in the morning. For example, ‘I am good enough’, or ‘I am growing.’
• One affirmation to use after you complete a task. For example, ‘My work is acceptable’, or ‘I have tried my best with this task.’
• One affirmation to use when you are feeling not good enough. For example, ‘I am worth it’, or ‘I am allowed to feel without judgment.’

You can use these affirmations as many times a day as you need to. Simply repeating them to yourself with confidence and no judgment can begin to create new belief systems in your mind.

An Outline Of Me

Another step you could take is creating an ‘outline of me’. This is an exercise of self-reflection in a kind manner. The exercise aims to focus on the positive qualities that you have.

• Sit down for 15 minutes in a quiet space that allows you to reflect without being disturbed. You may wish to play your favorite music, or light some incense, anything to help you feel calm and relaxed.
• Start by drawing an outline of your hand.
• This is your hand, it is unique, just like you. You are going to write positive qualities about yourself in this outline.
• You can write as many qualities as you can think of – even if they seem small – they are important.
• Try to focus on qualities that are not related to your achievements. For example, focus on qualities such as ‘kind’, ‘creative’, or ‘adventurous’ rather than qualities such as ‘hard-working’, ‘successful’, or ‘productive’.
• Once your 15 minutes are up you can choose to either continue with the exercise or keep the page and return to it another time to continue to add these traits as you think of them.

Coming Together

Shifting your self-belief regarding how much you are worth beyond your achievements is a process. However, it is possible and the effort that you put into this journey is worth it. Quite simply, because you are worth it.

 

How often do you look at your list of goals and say to yourself, ‘I have to get these done at all costs’? Suddenly, you get a burst of energy to get it all done. But, often, this energy wears off before we accomplish our goals, and we end up feeling like failures for not getting things done. Because you have promised yourself that you will get it done, you want to. Unfortunately,  in some cases, this results in us being hard on ourselves. 

What Does Being Hard On Yourself Look Like

Being hard on oneself means something different for every person. I define it as enduring discomfort for the sake of accomplishing goals. To some, it means depriving themselves of pleasure unless they have achieved what they hope to; to others, it means limiting time spent on social interactions, and for others, it means working only on those goals until they are accomplished. 

I have come across several instances where people deprive themselves of eating food because they want to lose weight. When I was in college, I spent some nights working away in the library because I desperately wanted to pass. Some people push themselves to exercise way beyond what their bodies are capable of because they believe that these extremes are what they need in order for them to reach their goals. These are just a few instances. All these examples differ for each person and come in different intensities. We all know how we are hard on ourselves. 

In an attempt to understand this trait, which most of us relate to when it comes to our journey of pursuing our goals, it is essential that we know the why.

Reasons Why You Are So Hard On Yourself 

You attach your value to your successes or achievements. 

When asked to describe themselves, most people start with their names, followed by their achievements. These can be career-related or other general accomplishments. Obviously, these are great, but should they be the ultimate predictor of our identity, value, and position in society? 

Our jobs and the targets we meet are minor aspects of who we are in general. We are whole beings who are made up of a million little pieces which are all equally important. Unfortunately, most of us are raised in an environment where our value is attached to our successes and achievements. In a room with people who are more accomplished than you, you don’t have a voice. So, in a quest to be respected and have your opinions considered, you do anything in your power to achieve success even if it means being hard on yourself. 

Perfectionism

Is anything worth it if it’s not perfect? That’s the voice that echoes in a lot of people’s heads throughout the day. We believe that if we are doing something, it has to be perfect otherwise, what is the point? We will erase and start over until we achieve perfection. 

As I write this, I remember what happened to me yesterday when I was at work. I had to run some errands for work, so I used the company car, which is probably double the size of my car. Once done, I had to park the car and the only spot available meant I had to parallel park. This is where the fun began. The spot was quite small, and it took me about 15 minutes to park this car to perfection. I refused to leave the car skewed although it was in the demarcations, even if it meant I had to waste 15 minutes that I could have used to get some work done. I strived for perfection and didn’t stop until I got it. 

Now, this is just one small example of the things that happen in our day-to-day lives. We refuse to move from a task until it’s perfect, even when the first attempt could have worked just fine. The widespread use of social media doesn’t do us any good, as the gospel of perfection is also widely preached.

Inner self-critic and low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can result in a never-ending cycle of setting unrealistic goals, being hard on ourselves, failing to accomplish the goals, diminished self-esteem and back again at setting unrealistic goals. We become overly critical of ourselves and believe that the only way we can improve our image is by accomplishing certain things. 

Consequently, we are constantly chasing goals and pushing ourselves harder each time. This is not sustainable, and in the long run, we end up with strong resentment towards ourselves and the people around us who we believe are the reason why we are chasing these goals. 

Ways To Overcome Being Hard On Yourself 

Understand your intrinsic value. 

We all have some value despite our accomplishments. As people, we deserve to be loved and respected just for being. We have other traits, such as kindness, empathy, and compassion that warrant us the title of good people and contribute to our value. 

Find evidence that shows that you are valued.

There are people who have valued you and respected you despite your successes, achievements, or failures. Think of your friends who stood by you even when you had nothing, your family who loved and valued you before you started attaching your value to your accomplishments. Focus on those relationships and let them help you understand that you are worthy of being loved. Your achievements are just a cherry on top, and you don’t have to be hard on yourself to get them just so you can increase your value. 

Ditch the perfectionism. 

When you are working on your goals, read out to yourself what you want the end product to be like. Evaluate and see if the finer details you want are important and if they influence the quality of the goal. In most cases, you will realize that the fine details you want to focus on to achieve perfection do not really impact the outcome. In those cases, avoid focusing on perfection and understand that things don’t have to be perfect in order for them to be good. 

Self-affirmations

These are some of my favorite ways to change my perspective. I say them to myself in the mirror every morning, and it helps me alter my perspective and remember my worth. When new to self-affirmations, you might need help figuring out where to start, but some online resources can help you get the hang of positive affirmations. 

You Don’t Have To Be Hard On Yourself 

This is easier said than done, but the best we can do is try. Every day is a chance for us to remember that our goals and successes are important, but they do not determine our value. We are more than our successes, and we deserve to be treated well for simply being who we are. 

Remember to be kind to yourself as you work on accomplishing your goals.

 

Have you ever felt like failure isn’t just a setback but a personal catastrophe? Does even the thought of failing fill you with shame, anxiety, or fear? Perhaps you’ve internalized the belief that you must avoid failure at all costs. But why does it feel so overwhelming? And more importantly, what does it reveal about how you view yourself?

 

If you are deeply shaken by failure, you may unknowingly tie your self-worth to your achievements. Let’s explore how this fear manifests and what it tells you about your core beliefs. You can learn how to shift this belief toward a healthier identity that doesn’t crumble under the weight of your mistakes.

How Does the Fear of Failure Manifest?

 

Fear of failure isn’t just about avoiding mistakes. It’s often an overwhelming sense that failure will unravel everything you believe about yourself. Here are some signs that failure feels catastrophic for you:

 

1. Risk Avoidance. You play it safe and steer clear of new challenges. Even if an opportunity is exciting, the possibility of failure feels too overwhelming to pursue it. 
2. Intense Self-Criticism. When things go wrong, your inner critic is brutal. You might think, “How could I let this happen? Or “I should’ve done better!” You may believe mistakes define your worth.
3. Fear of Judgment. The idea of others knowing you’ve failed is terrifying. You avoid sharing struggles or setbacks for fear of being seen as incompetent.
4. Procrastination or Perfectionism. Procrastination becomes a shield because if you never finish, you can’t fail! Alternatively, perfectionism may kick in, leading you to pour endless effort into making things “perfect” to avoid failure.
5. Emotional Overwhelm. Even small mistakes trigger a flood of emotions—anxiety, shame, hopelessness, or anger—making it hard to think clearly and move forward. 

If any of these reactions resonate, it might be worth examining how failure impacts your identity at a deeper level.

Why Does Failure Feel So Devastating?

 

Failure feels catastrophic when your self-worth is tied to success. Instead of viewing failure as part of learning and growth, you see it as proof that you’re flawed or not enough. 

The Role of Core Beliefs

 

Fear of failure often indicates a more profound underlying belief: “If I fail, I have no value.” When you hold this belief, achievements become the only way to feel good about yourself. In this framework, failure isn’t just a setback. It’s a threat to your identity.

For many, this belief begins in childhood. You may have learned that acceptance and love are conditional if you were praised primarily for accomplishments, excellent grades, athletic achievements, or awards. The message: “I’m only worthy when I succeed.”

 

In adulthood, societal pressures reinforce this belief. Social media highlights others’ achievements, making it seem like failure is rare and success is the norm. Work environments that reward hustle over well-being deepen the fear that failing means falling behind.

 

When success is attached to identity, failure feels like a loss of self, leaving one vulnerable to shame, anxiety, and unworthiness. 

Change Your Relationship With Failure

 

Reworking the beliefs that link your worth to achievement can change your relationship with failure. With the right tools, you can view failure not as a catastrophe but as an inevitable and valuable part of growth. Here are some practical tools to help you move toward a healthier mindset.

 

1. Prioritize Self-Compassion. Failure often triggers harsh self-judgment, so you can begin treating yourself with kindness in moments of failure. When things go wrong, ask yourself, “What would I say to my best friend when they are faced with this situation?” 
2. Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you stay grounded and observe your thoughts without judgment. Instead of spiraling into fear or self-loathing, mindfulness allows you to acknowledge the discomfort of failure without identifying with it. Guided meditations can be a helpful starting point.
3. Take Opposite Actions. Opposite action involves deliberately doing the opposite of what your fear tells you—allowing you to rewire your emotional response to failure. Each time you act contrary to your fear, you train yourself to tolerate discomfort while building resilience.
4. Redefine Success. Broaden your definition of success. What if success wasn’t just about achieving goals? Instead, it meant building meaningful relationships or taking care of your mental health? By shifting your perspective, you can see value in experiences beyond external accomplishments.
5. Write in a Journal. Writing down your thoughts about failure can help you identify the beliefs that fuel your fear. Ask yourself, “What do I believe about myself when I fail?” Or “What am I afraid will happen if I am unsuccessful?” This practice can uncover hidden fears that keep you stuck in avoidance or perfectionism. Learn more with this journaling tool.
6. Celebrate Small Wins. Recognizing small accomplishments can help you reframe your mindset. Celebrate the moments when you show up authentically or step outside your comfort zone—even if the outcome isn’t perfect.
7. Incorporate Opposite Belief Affirmations. When failure feels catastrophic and triggers negative self-beliefs, reframe your mindset by identifying the limiting belief and intentionally replacing it with an empowering one. For more information about this tool, click here.

Start Making Changes Today!

 

Changing how you view failure takes time, but minor shifts can lead to significant changes. Here’s a step-by-step approach:

 

1. Notice your triggers. Pay attention to situations that make you fear failure. Recognizing your triggers helps you prepare and set boundaries.
2. Challenge the beliefs behind the fear. When you feel overwhelmed by fear, ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself right now?” 
3. Identify values beyond achievement. Create a list of qualities you value that aren’t tied to success. Are you passionate, loyal, or trustworthy? Focus on these qualities to build an identity that isn’t dependent on achievement.
4. Practice failing gracefully. The only way to get comfortable with failure is to experience it. Set small goals that allow room for failure, like trying a new hobby or experimenting with a new skill. The more you practice, the less intimidating failure becomes.

Conclusion

When your self-worth is tied to success, failure feels catastrophic because it threatens the foundation of your identity. But with self-compassion, mindfulness, and a shift in how you define success, you can begin to view failure as a part of your journey instead of the end of it. You are more than your achievements; failure doesn’t define your worth. By using these tools, you can build a sense of self rooted in who you are, not just what you accomplish.

“Where to next?” If this phrase is familiar to you, you may be basing your value on what you achieve or succeed in. This seems to be fairly common in modern society, where utmost importance is placed on a person’s achievements to determine their worth. There may be a certain simple logic to this, there is a clear measuring stick as to whether you have achieved something or not – however – this is far too simplistic and short-sighted to fully encompass a human being’s value and self-worth.

 

Unbound By Merit offers you the support you need as you explore and nurture your intrinsic value.

What Is Self-Worth?

Self-worth is closely linked to our self-concept – how we see ourselves. Self-worth looks at our view of our capabilities and value, allowing us to receive respect, acceptance, and belonging. The key element of self-worth is that this respect, acceptance, and belonging is not given to us by others, it is given to us by ourselves. Self-worth is the epitome of self-love.

 

We allow ourselves to recognize the intrinsic value of our worth every day. Sometimes this becomes caught up with what we are achieving. While in moderation this is not concerning, it can become all-consuming, where we only base our self-worth on our achievements.

 

Achievement-based self-worth becomes taxing and overwhelming. Imagine you get home from work, and you are feeling low and frustrated. You have worked overtime for the past six months to get a promotion, and today you found out it went to someone else. Feeling that you have no value, you walk past your young child whose eyes light up simply because you are there. 

 

In this example, you feel like you have no value because you haven’t reached the achievement you wanted, but your mere presence sends peace and happiness into your child’s experience. Isn’t that valuable too?

 

How Does This Achievement-Based Self-Worth Develop?

 

Achievement-based self-worth can develop in a variety of manners. One of the core elements are self-beliefs and self-thoughts. These two elements often shape a lot of the internal frameworks within which we work as individuals.

 

These beliefs and thoughts are often created from experiences, relationships, and feedback we receive from others, particularly during childhood. This is often why it is so difficult to shift this framework and see our value beyond our achievements. 

 

Imagine that you needed to maintain your parent’s attention, that you strived to have them recognize your value. However, you noticed that you received the best response from them when you did something well – when you achieved something. This experience created the belief that your value only existed when you were successful, and this was cemented each time you received praise for an achievement throughout your lifetime.

 

This does not mean you should not aim to achieve things you hope for, or that you should not receive praise and recognition for your achievements. What it does mean, is that your self-worth does not need to be solely based on your achievements or successes – it means that there is so much more to you that is valid, valuable, and that should be celebrated.

 

How Do I Separate My Self-Worth From My Achievements?

Separating your self-worth from your achievements is a difficult process. Mainly because these beliefs have been ingrained in the mind for so long, it is a process of working with yourself compassionately and patiently that will allow you to explore these beliefs and slowly shift them.

 

There are a variety of tools that you can use on this journey, tools that are there to support you. We at Unbound By Merit have created a collection of easy-to-use tools to help you shift these core beliefs. By practicing these tools, you can explore why your current self-worth is based on your achievements and how to gently challenge these reasons. Remember that this is a difficult process that takes bravery and needs to be acknowledged and celebrated. A good way of doing this is to have self-compassion as you go.

 

A Journal As A Tool

Journalling is one of the best tools that can help you start to change your achievement-based belief because a journal is meant for you and you alone. It offers a safe haven to share and explore your thoughts and feelings about your self-worth and how it relates to your achievements. You are allowed to express what you need to, in the way that you need to.

 

Sometimes it is easier to start working with your journal by using prompts. Unbound By Merit offers some journal prompts to help you get started. These prompts have been designed to help you reflect on your value in areas that are not achievement-related. Working through these prompts can provide new perspectives on acceptance, gratitude, social interactions, and mindfulness and how they help to build your self-worth helpfully and sustainably.

Taking Your Belief To The Extreme

Have you ever thought of something so absurd that it just couldn’t be true? Sometimes when we look at our core beliefs around our self-worth in this manner we begin to see that they are not completely true. We begin to learn that there are other ways to view a situation or thought.

 

Taking your belief to the extreme is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique that helps you face a belief and begin to see where it becomes irrational and unachievable, allowing you to see the unnecessary pressure you are placing upon yourself. This new perspective helps you to shift your beliefs and behaviors and develop your self-worth from elements that are not achievement-based.

 

Imagine that you have the belief that you have to get recognition for any achievement to be relevant. When you take the belief to the extreme you could say that your achievement of brushing your teeth is invalid unless you receive validation from someone that you have indeed brushed your teeth. The absurdity of this realization could help you adjust your belief that all achievements need external validation. 

 

These explorations are not meant to make you feel foolish or upset with yourself. Rather, the exploration is a new opportunity for growth and learning. Unbound By Merit offers you a deeper look at taking your belief to the extreme. Working with this tool is a helpful way to begin your exploration.

 

Coming To A Close

Self-worth and self-value are more complex concepts than one first thinks. They are created right from childhood and are cemented into our internal framework through our lived experiences. Currently, you may be experiencing self-worth that is solely linked to your achievements, and this is causing you distress.

 

There are tools and guidance that can support you on a journey to help shift this view and help you recognize your value beyond your achievements – because you are valuable. Check out some of our tools at Unbound By Merit to help you along this journey.

Do you regularly feel like you aren’t enough? Even when you accomplish more than many others around you, do you somehow sense that you aren’t living up to some set of standards? In today’s fast-paced, success-driven society, equating self-worth with accomplishment is common! Many measure their value by the promotions they’ve earned, the degrees they’ve achieved, or the accolades they’ve received. But what happens when all those external markers are stripped away? Would you still feel like enough?

You might be unaware that your identity is tied to your achievements, but it may manifest itself when you feel uneasy about not working on your next big goal. Let’s explore what it means to have achievement-based self-worth, how it develops, and how to change it to a healthier sense of self.

What Does It Mean to Have an Achievement-Based Identity?

While being proud of your achievements is healthy, this mindset becomes problematic when your entire sense of value depends on external success and your tendency is to base your self-worth on what you accomplish. Here are some common signs that your identity might be tied to your achievements:

• You can’t enjoy downtime.
• You may feel anxious or restless if you’re not working toward a goal or checking items off your to-do list.
• Failure feels catastrophic.
• When something doesn’t go as planned, it feels like a personal failure.
• Even minor setbacks make you question your worth.
• You chase perfection.
• You set incredibly high standards for yourself and feel like anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.
• Validation from others is crucial.
• Compliments and recognition from others feel necessary to feel you’re worthy.
• You fear being ordinary.
• You are uncomfortable with the idea of being average and feel you always need to stand out or excel to be valuable.

If you find yourself nodding along, you might be unknowingly falling into the trap of tying your identity to your achievements.

The Origins of Achievement-Based Identity

The roots of achievement-based self-worth often begin in childhood and can carry through to adulthood. Children who receive praise only when they accomplish something significant may learn that their worth is tied to performance. A parent who constantly pushes for perfect grades or sports trophies while well-meaning can inadvertently send the message that being good enough is conditional. 

Over time, this can lead to a deep-seated belief that to be loved, accepted, or valued, you must achieve and excel. In adulthood, this belief often transforms into a relentless pursuit of success, where self-worth is measured by what you’ve done rather than who you are. In many cases, societal pressures compound this issue. Modern culture often glorifies hustle, productivity, and achieving significant milestones. Social media, where people frequently highlight their successes and omit struggles, can reinforce the belief that you must constantly perform at a high level to be worthy. 

Is It Possible to Change?

The good news is that breaking free from an achievement-based identity is possible. Although it takes time and effort, recognizing that this mindset exists in your life is the first step toward change. The second step is understanding that your value isn’t tied to your accomplishments. This shift won’t happen overnight but is achievable with the right tools and support. 

Helpful Tools

Here are five tools to help you begin untangling your self-worth from your achievements.

1. Practicing Self-Compassion: Learning to be kind to yourself is essential, especially when you perceive failure or inadequacy. Instead of being your own harshest critic, try becoming your own best friend. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a loved one in this situation?”
2. Becoming Mindful: Present-moment awareness helps you stay grounded in the present moment without constantly looking toward the future and the next accomplishment. It enables you to become aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment so you can observe your need to achieve without acting on it. Apps can provide guided meditations to help you get started.
3. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you gain insight into your relationship with success and achievement. Ask yourself, What do I believe about myself when I’m not achieving, or what do I fear if I stop pursuing goals? This practice can help you identify deeper fears or beliefs that fuel the need to constantly achieve 
4. Redefining Success: What does success mean to you? Is it based solely on external rewards or career accomplishments? Or can success also mean prioritizing healthy relationships, being kind to others, or maintaining your mental health? By broadening your definition of success, you can begin to appreciate aspects of yourself beyond your achievements.
5. Celebrating Small Wins: Instead of focusing on only significant achievements, begin to celebrate minor victories. Did you take the day off without feeling guilty or say no to an extra work project that would have impacted your weekend relaxation time? These moments are successes, too; recognizing them can help shift your perspective.
6. Practicing the “Opposite Belief:” Challenge the core beliefs that link your self-worth to achievements. Identify the belief, then create the opposite belief. Regularly remind yourself of the opposite belief, especially during moments of stress or when you feel pressure to succeed.

How to Change This Belief

Start small if you’re ready to change your achievement-based beliefs about being enough. Begin by practicing self-compassion and mindfulness. You might notice how often you criticize yourself for not being productive enough or feel anxious when you’re not striving for the next big goal.

Next, identify the triggers that make you feel you need to achieve more. Is it seeing others’ accomplishments on social media? A work environment that values hustle over well-being? Knowing your triggers can help you set boundaries with yourself and others.

Finally, consider redefining your values. List qualities about yourself that have nothing to do with achievements. Maybe you’re loyal, funny, or empathic. By shifting your focus from what you do to who you are, you will begin to disconnect your self-worth from your accomplishments.

Conclusion

Maintaining this mindset is exhausting and deeply unfulfilling if you believe you’re only as successful as your achievements. The first step toward a healthier identity is recognizing that your self-worth doesn’t need to be tied to your accomplishments. By using specific tools, you can shift your identity from one rooted in achievements to one based on who you are at your core. You are enough—simply by being you.

 

Imagine it’s Friday evening, and you’re reviewing a lengthy to-do list. Items that you just didn’t finish this week. Do you think putting the list aside and relaxing for the weekend is perfectly fine? Perhaps the thought of leaving responsibilities, unfinished business, or incomplete projects for Monday is unimaginable! The weekend is here, but you can’t let go, relax, and forget about this list plaguing you. 

Does this sound familiar? If you feel you must complete everything on your to-do list before you allow yourself to relax, it might be time to reflect on what’s going on here. Many people have a hard time relaxing and enjoying their free time. But what does this say about them – and you – if you can relate to this behavior?

Read More about I can’t enjoy the weekend until I’ve checked everything off my to-do list.